I read a very short piece (about one column inch) in the Melbourne Age, about this degradation of the peat bogs, (not the naked bog hopping part) and sent this off to The Buxton Advertiser as a tongue in cheek review. I got a rather stern reprimand, stating that the bogs in the Peak actually soaked up more CO2 than all the forests in Europe.
Further research showed that the original piece was based on an article written by the Ecological Reporter for the Manchester Guardian. I received a grudging apology and although this was written for a very localised readership, I shall include it here. All the characters in this load of the old proverbial, are figments of my imagination and bear no resemblance to anybody who ever walked in Britain's very first National Park.
THE PEAK DISTRICT PEAT BOGS
I read recently that the Peak District Peat Bogs were a major cause of the dreaded Global Warming, this was a trifle distressing to find out that the bogs were causing more emissions of methane/carbon dioxide than the entire bovine herds of Argentina and ovine flocks of Australia plus rain forest clearing in Brazil and Indonesia.
It has been suggested that the peat bogs be ‘bombed’ with bales of heather, so far nobody knows how she feels about this invasion of privacy, but it has gone ahead regardless, with bales being flung, hither and yon, over the bogs of Bleaklow and subsequently Kinder Scout. This will, they hope, end up with the bogs covered in newly sprouting heather come spring time. In effect draining the bogs and turning them into virtual meadows.
I then discovered that if the bogs were drained, that 17 different types of lichen, found only in that part of the world would be lost for ever, according to Gerald P. Greenbotty the world renowned Lichenologist from Warwick University.
If this was not enough, amateur ornithologist Phyllis C. Heaps said that the the yellow bellied, lesser spotted, great tit, (which had been thought extinct until her husband Arnold stumbled on a nest, literally rather than metaphorically, in the great fog of 1987) was still flittering around in rather depleted numbers.
This is confirmed by Gladys MacPlebian, a well known Scottish eremite, who in traversing the Pennine Way down to Salford to see her sister, fell up to her neck in a bog just south of Kinder Scout. Taking this as a sign from ‘God’, she decided to build a bothy there. She states quite unequivocally that she has heard the plaintiff cries of the great tit quite frequently.
This claim is disputed by Hubert Thistletwaite of ‘Thistlethwaite Bean & Broccolli Growers’, Lower Strange Lane, Edale , tel No 156 472, who requested to remain anonymous. Mr X claims that ‘the plaintiff cries’ heard by Gladys Mac, are in fact the throttled screams of Dan D. Rough the lead singer of local punk band ‘The Hairy Nits’ playing at the Disco in Castleton.
NAKED BOG HOPPING
There are also local concerns about the behaviour of Gladys Mac, who having seen ‘God’, has now introduced ‘Bog Hopping’ to the local spinsters, this apparently involves naked rites at the solstices and equinoxes, where the participants frolic, tits akimbo in the bogs, hopping from tussock to tussock and immersing themselves in the slime.
According to Cyril Neptune of the Manchester Institute of Reptilian Studies, this is seriously affecting the reproductive patterns of the local fauna, specifically the legless shit-brown lizard, which is listed by the RSPCA as being endangered.
Gladys, however, remains unrepentant and claims that Bog Hopping has improved the complexions of the Glossop, Hayfield and Buxton Ladies Ramblers Society (GHABLRS) to such an extent that five of their number have attracted spouses and a few others report fighting off toyboys and gigolos.
She also states that this came to the notice of Maggie T, who joined the GHABLRS at the spring equinox in 1989 and was joined by her adoring hubby Dennis in the bog, (this in itself is unusual, as males generally stay away, as a cold northerly wind does nothing for the proud properties of the male danglers).
However, it is reliably reported that Maggies shrieks drowned out the great tits plaintiff cries, when Dennis gave her a ‘Damned good Rogering’ in the shower afterwards. Subsequently it has been noticed that when Maggie fondly fondles Dennis’ family jewels, his eyes glaze over and his tongue lolls out rather alarmingly.
Rumours that Betty-Nancy Brush, wife of ex-US-president Basil H. W. Brush upon hearing of this miracle cure, has instituted something similar in the peat bogs of Pennsylvania, for the use of the upper echelons of Washington society attending her clinic, are as yet unconfirmed.
Locally however, Lucille Throgmorton of the Little Hayfield, ‘Olde Alternative Pharmacology Store’ has reported record sales of her vials of ‘Peak Peat Bog #5 Slime’, she also expects a record turn out for this year’s ‘Summer Solstice Bog Hop’. As it is expected that this event could rival Glastonbury in years to come, tickets should be purchased early at the store, or other major retailers.
Cheers,
SkyBlueSkull
How could any rational person have taken that lot seriously?
http://keith-skellern.blogspot.com
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