Football, it means a lot of different games to different nationalities. Most countries think of ‘Soccer’, when they talk about football and let’s face it, it is the only code where only the feet are used. Except of course the legs, torso and head to a limited extent, but definitely not the hands and arms. It is also strictly speaking a non-contact game.
I have broken one of my rules here and used Wikipedia to check out a fact. I normally believe that if you don’t know a little bit about something, you shouldn’t be bull-shitting about it. But in this case my memory wasn’t up to it and I couldn’t remember the name of the Wally who invented the name ‘Soccer’.
It was according to the Wik a bloke called Charles Wreford-Brown who was a student at Oxford Uni and prone to using terms like ‘Brekkers’ for breakfast and ‘Rugger’ for Rugby Football, what a tit! So ‘Soccer’ was only used in upper class ‘Public Schools’, stick that up your jacksies, you ignorant Skips and Yanks.
In America they call Gridiron ‘Football’, which of course it isn’t, as from the little I’ve seen of it, they hardly ever use their feet. They seem to play with two entirely different teams on each side, one when they’re on the offensive and the other when they’re defending. They also seem to wear body armour and smash into each other regardless of where the ball is. In the meantime a quarter back and a wide receiver are playing with each other.
They also have a specialist ‘kicker’ who comes onto the pitch a couple of times each game and tries to hoof the ball through the goals. They earn a couple of million US$ a year, which isn’t a bad way to make a quid in anybody’s language. On top of all this they also have a ‘World Series’, which is a bit cheeky, because only the Yanks play it, or maybe that’s Baseball which is almost the same story.
Other ‘Football Codes’ include the two types of Rugby, ‘League’ was played by miners and factory workers, from the North of England, wearing flat caps and hobnail boots. They were ‘professional’ and were paid a few bob after each game, or if they had a great game, were given a dozen bottles of Tetleys or Newcastle Brown or maybe Boddingtons Bitter, if they were unlucky .
‘Union’ had an extra couple of players and was played by amateur ‘Gentlemen’, doctors, lawyers and other con-men, who should have known better. It was invented on the playing fields of a ‘Public’ school (where else?) by a young ‘prefect’ called Webb or Ellis or some such appellation. Possibly because he had two left feet, he picked up the ball and ran with it, punching the ‘fags’ in the face as he did so.
This obviously appealed to the watching landed gentry, even though they would have preferred it, if the fags could have been given a damned good thrashing at the same time, at least the showers were cold.
In ‘Union’ they wear bandages round their ears, to stop them getting bitten off in ‘scrums’, or if they are bitten off it makes them easier to find and also soaks up the blood. Also, in these scrums it is not unknown for a player to grab the ‘nuts’ of an opponent and squeeze them hard, for obvious reasons this is known as a ‘squirrel grip’ and puts the opponent off his game almost as much as losing his ears.
Another interesting aspect of ‘Union’ is the ‘Lineout’, in this the players from both sides line up and a player throws the ball between the two lines. Meanwhile, two or more players grab hold of one of their own players by the shorts, giving him a terrible ‘wedgie’ and launch him as high as possible to intercept the ball. This, combined with the ‘squirrel grips’, could explain why some players voices are pitched at the upper end of the musical scales. So don’t be surprised if your doctor sounds like Tiny Tim Tippy Toeing through the Tulips, or Maurice Gibb strangling a Bee Gees number.
There are other football codes, such as ‘Gaelic Football’ and ‘Aussie Rules Football’, these are fairly similar, or at least sufficiently so, that the two codes can play a series of three games every year, alternating between Ireland and Aus. These are not a great success as Gaelic is played with a round ball and Aussie with an ovoid one and the goals are different.
Also Gaelic is ‘non-contact’, to the best of my knowledge, whereas Aussie is very much contact. Aus players are bigger, because they eat more meat and less spuds, so they tend to pick up the Irish players and kick them towards the goal, while they are holding on to the ball. This is frowned on by the Irish officials and they usually say that they will take their round ball and go home, which is a tad difficult if they are already home in Tipperary.
As well as the shape of their balls, (I’m not talking about ‘Union’ players here,) the ones used in the different codes have different flight characteristics, but don’t ask me what they are, just trust me. The Goalposts are all different, soccer goals are smallish and have a net, rugby and gridiron goals have two long poles and don’t, Gaelic football has a combination of the two and Aussie Rules has two long poles and two short poles. Don’t expect me to explain the points scored, I don’t know all of them and I don’t think either of us gives a monkey’s anyway.
How does all this affect your truly? Well, I was brought up with soccer and supported New Mills F.C. initially and then Manchester City closely for five years from 1962 to 1967 (I still support them, but from a distance of 12,000 miles). From 1967 to 1973 I followed Rugby Union closely, firstly in Wales and then South Africa. When I came to Aus. I didn’t support anybody at first, but now ‘support’, Melbourne Storm in ‘League’, Man City (of course) through the Internet and Melbourne Victory in Soccer and the Western Bulldogs in Aussie Rules.
Again, you probably don’t give a flying frolic, but for what it’s worth, the Bulldogs haven’t won a Premiership since 1954, which is even worse than Man City. So get on the Bulldog’s bandwagon all you masochistic City supporters, what have we got to lose but our sanity?
Cheers for now,
Sky Blue Skull.
http://keith-skellern.blogspot.com
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