This is another copy of a blog that I sent to the 'Manchester Evening News', so it appears on the 'Net' somewhere else, but Odin (I already told you that I'm descended from the Vikings) knows where. So I am including it here as well, just in case you can't find it either, that's the sort of thoughtful, caring guy I am!
I have some statistics before me, these are ‘dinki di’ statistics compiled by the ‘Christian Research Association’ and printed in ‘The Melbourne Age’ a very august publication in much the same vein as ‘The Manchester Evening News’, not the usual crap that I make up off the top of my head. (To be honest with you, I just added that in case the inestimable editor of the MEN, stumbled on this in an idle moment).
Anyway, these stats reveal that of Melbourne’s population of 3.6 million, 1 million are Catholics and another million are made up of various Protestant groups ((are Anglicans, (400,000) Prods?)) and Moslems, Jews, Buddhists, Zoroastrians and other assorted odds and sods. That leaves over 1.5 mill or 42% who don’t claim to be anything.
That’s an awful lot of Godless bastards, in America 98.67% (alright! I admit it, I just made that up) claim to be church-goers. Over there if you claim to be an atheist, you’re only one small rung above being a paedophiliacal necromaniac with a shoe fetish.
So, what do these Aussies believe in? Well, you can go for twenty years working next to a person and never find out that they’re an Archdeacon in a Druidical sect, that practices animal/virgin sacrifices at every full moon. People just don’t talk about religion, apart from the door-knockers, Seventh Day Adventurists, PsuedoOlogists and clean-cut lads in suits from Salt Lake City.
However, you can’t go longer than twenty minutes without finding out which Aussie Rules Team they barrack for (We’re talking Melbourne here) different rules apply in NSW and Queensland, where they follow Rugby League Teams, but the principle is just the same.
In the AFL (Aussie Football League) there are 16 teams, one each from QLD and NSW, two from SA and WA and the rest from VIC. To function properly at all levels of society you HAVE to be a fan of one of these.
You can follow and participate in Crown Green Darts, Ice Soccer, Synchronised Swimming, Table Badminton, or Nude Beach Tiddly-Winks. Whatever takes your fancy , but you MUST follow an AFL club or you are a social leper.
So, what is this AFL you ask? Well, it’s a very quick, athletic game played between two teams of eighteen, very fit young men who attack a ball and try and kick it between four (not two) posts at either end of a large oval field. If they succeed, then a man dressed as an attendant in a lunatic asylum, waves white flags dementedly around and another similarly attired gentleman waves back at him from the other end of the ground.
This semaphoric routine indicates whether the ball went through the inner bigger poles, which scores 6 points in which case two white flags are flapped around maniacally.
The other alternatives are minor scores which go between a big pole and a small pole, this scores one point and only one flag is used. If the ball misses all the poles then no flags are waved and the crowd shouts obscenities at the player who missed. If he’s one of yours, these can be in an anguished tone, if he’s one of theirs then it should be in a jeering manner.
You also need to shout out obscenities at the umpires as they are always useless, blind white maggots of questionable parentage with exceptionally low IQ’s. As a newcomer to the game, it is highly recommended that you study a game on the TV before you attend an actual game. This is not particularly difficult to achieve as they are broadcast in their entirety (upwards of two hours) on Friday evenings and all day long and most of the night on Saturdays and Sundays.
This means that you can shout obscenities at your spouse (women are even more vociferous than men) all weekend and get away with it. Women love the game and why not? where else can they watch 36 young men in skimpy shorts, beating the crap out of each other? I know that I for one would be glued to the screen if there were games of beach volleyball, with 36 bikini clad beauties beating each other up and no net to intervene, but I’m a sicko!
Unlike most games, where the teams start off in their own half of the field and run like buggery into their opponents half, in AFL they all go anywhere they like, right from the start and then run around higgledy piggledy, trying to confuse everybody, including themselves.
If it’s like any other game, the one that comes closest is Gaelic Football, but they have an excuse, because they’re all Irish and it's expected of them. I won’t go into Aussie Rules any further at this stage, unless popular demand requires me to, as it would require a book, of which there are many available in all good book-stores and selected news-agencies.
Aussie worship of sport doesn’t end there of course, they love beating anybody, but especially The Poms. This is rooted in history, and there is no tradition stronger than that of Test Cricket. The Poms are just as bad of course, when they beat the Skips in England, the Queen knighted the bloody lot of them, including the ‘Sight Screen Movers’.
Not really giving much of a flying frolic who won, although I do enjoy watching test cricket. If the Poms were winning, I used to go into work and say “The Poms are going alright then”. If the Aussies were getting the upper hand, I’d wander in and say “Us Aussies are thrashing the arse off those Pommie Bastards, eh!”. This tactic caused great consternation among the Aussies and it pays to beat a hasty retreat if you’re about to get lynched.
I could go on about other sports, but I won’t mainly because I’m getting bored. Suffice it to say that if you are a sportsman or woman and you’re prepared to be naturalised (sounds painful) then Godzone is the place for you (not from a religious point of view of course). Look at ‘Aussie’ Joe Bugner for one, on second thoughts don’t It’s not a pretty sight.
Cheers for now,
SkyBlueSkull
http://keith-skellern.blogspot.com
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