A Fable :- The Great Melbourne Race
Once upon a time down in Dingley Dell, the Melbourne racing fraternity organised a race between a young Wombat, a middle-aged Leopard and a famous 3 y/o Stallion (who shall remain nameless, as the race was strictly not exactly legal). The race was to be run over half a mile and the winner was to get a first class, all expenses paid trip for two, flying by Qantas to Kentucky to race in the famous Derby.
A large crowd assembled and the SP bookies (the only ones there) had the Stallion at 2 to 1, the Leopard (which, to be honest, was a bit past his best) at 3 to 1 and the Wombat at 100 to 1. The competitors lined up in the ‘barriers’. The starter fired his gun to signal the start and the three competitors competed. The horse was used to this sort of thing and leapt out of the starting gate and galloped away.
The firing of the starters gun, confused the Leopard somewhat, but finding himself unwounded, he leapt after the horse in a determined manner. The Wombat was also a tad confused, due to myopia, but regardless of popular conceptions, they are rather nippy critters (to quote popular literature, “for a fat man, he was remarkably light on his feet”) and he galloped down the straight, following the dim shapes of the other two.
The Leopard caught up with the Stallion at the quarter mile post, but then things went astray, forgetting about the race, his natural instincts took over. He leapt onto the horse raking it’s flanks with his claws and severed the Stallion’s jugular vein with his incisors and then proceeded to devour the carcass.
A few minutes later the Wombat jogged past and although they are omnivores, the Wombat decided to stick to his normal routine (eats, roots, shoots and leaves, much like most young Aussie males really!) and decided to forgo the roadkill and carry on with the race. Of course, as in all good fables, he crossed the finish line first and was greeted with adulation.
As a result of this, the Wombat was granted the Keys of the City of Melbourne and because it was a ‘Slow News Day’ (10,000 people were drowned in floods in Bangladesh, 140 innocents were slaughtered in riots in Teheran and Sarah Palin had been critically injured by a wounded moose whilst skinning it in Skagway, Ala). The Wombat appeared on the first page of the Herald Sun, with a photo of Eddie Maguire and detailed coverage on pages 2-7.
Well that’s the end of the fable really, but before we get to the moral, we should really learn the consequences of this ill-fated story.
The Leopard was banned from all further sporting events in Australia for ‘Unsportsmanlike Behaviour’ and was deported back to Africa via Christmas Island, where incidentally, he devoured a substantial number of illegal reffo’s. When he eventually arrived back in Kenya, he expired from diseases related to extreme obesity and swine flu, very shortly afterwards.
The Stallion’s remains were taken to a local knackers yard and the blood and bones were used to fertilize the roses at the Flemington Racecourse for the Spring Carnival. It was later reported that the roses were the best in living memory!
In the meantime, the Wombat and his wife went to the Airport and upon seeing that they were about to embark on a plane with a ‘Flying Kangaroo’ on it’s tail. Well! what could they do? They both knew that while Roos seem to fly over the ground, they actually bound, hop and leap. Neither of them particularly fancied bounding, hopping and leaping all the way to Kentucky.
Whatever! They declined the flight offer and went back to the Dandenong Ranges and brought up several broods of little wombatties and lived happily ever after.
The Morals of this little fable? Well! there are so many, you can take your pick. How about ‘There is no such thing as a certainty in gambling’, or ‘You can’t teach a spotty thing new tricks’, or ‘If you want news, don’t read the Herald Sun’ or perhaps ‘You can take a wombat to Qantas, but you can’t make either of them fly’.
Cheers for now,
SkyBlueSkull.
